Radio Update

As the Spring semester winds down, I find myself preparing for only two more broadcasts of “Ministry of Metal” before the show takes a summer’s long hiatus. Thanks to the enthusiastic reception and success of the show I look forward to resuming broadcasts in September, and by then I can pretty much guarantee that the WMEB website will be fully functional, with a 156K web-stream playable directly from the home page. 

But that’s not all. Due to some job interviews a couple weeks ago, my good friend Ryan Page hosted the show in my stead, and though I couldn’t listen in, I was assured that all went well. So I am proud to announce that starting this Friday, Ryan will be co-hosting the “Ministry of Metal” on an opportunity basis (which means he’ll host every Friday that he doesn’t have plans otherwise for). As my copilot, Ryan will inject some of his own flavors into the weekly playlist. Though he plans on living off campus next semester, I’ll be more than happy to have him return to the co-host’s chair upon the show’s resumption in the fall.

Check out Ryan’s 10-second video project he did for New Media.


 
That’s not all that is planned. Zev Eisenberg and I are seriously considering starting our own talk-based radio show on WMEB. Tentatively titled “Honorable Mention”, we will dedicate an hour of airtime to discussion of the weekly Honors 211 and 212 reading, lecture, and subsequent discussion on relevant topics. HON 211 will pick up where HON 112 left off (Machiavelli) and work its way from the Reformation through the Enlightenment and beyond, covering all philosophical, sociocultural and scientific developments of those eras and their significance. We plan to have guests students and (possibly) professors join us every week to provide their own insights. Zev and I will coordinate this undertaking over the summer so that by the first week of the semester we’ll launch our endeavor with all guns blazing. Don’t forget that the web-stream will be functioning by then, so be sure to tune in if you’d rather hear intellectual discourses than extreme music. 

I have registered for fall courses, but I’ll wait until everything is definite before I detail my selections. Expect plenty of Latin, Greek and what not. 

I’ll conclude this post with a seething polemic against certain bands that have by their very existence been an offense to metal and rock music in general. This rant is courtesy of a friend who will remain anonymous. By reading below this paragraph you officially release me from all liability of offense you may take from the following statements. In the vein of the WEEI Whiner Line, “The opinions expressed in this rant are not necessarily the opinions of ZephyrBlog or its staff. Don’t blame us for what this nitwit says. Hey, he doesn’t speak for us.”

“Worst bands ever… Ok they’re mostly metal

All right everyone, this is my first attempt at writing for the site, so I thought I’d start with something easy. If there is one thing anyone who’s into metal hates, it’s when the genre is subverted by gimmicky losers. The subject has been done to death, but when I moved up to Maine, I became inspired…

 

I think of one incident in particular, when someone who asked me what type of music I liked. I went on with my overly long speech, which pussyfoots around the genre question. I asked him what genre he liked. His response was “I listen to smack manly” I gave him the look I give when I want someone to continue talking. “You know Godsmack and stuff”. Confused and generally weirded out I managed to grunt before walking away. The idea of a band that I had given up on in 5th grade being offered to me as a blanket statement for a genre brought to my full attention a situation I had hoped we had left behind years ago people are into: bad Nu-metal bands.

So I made this crumby list. Over time I added newer bands that I equally disliked and why I liked them. Here they are in no particular order

10. Mudvayne: Well, the spell check on my computer doesn’t like their name and that’s a bad start. They’re Nu-metal band. That doesn’t help. They wore masks and formed a band called Hellyeah… They’re a Nu-metal band. Their lyrics are pretentious and dumb. They’re a Nu-metal band…

As for the fans: buy a new t-shirt dude it’s not fucking 1999 anymore. Were they even out then? Who cares?

9. Ko(backwards R)n: I just get sick when I hear them. Who knows maybe I’ve been wrong about them all this time. This could be the most extreme band ever. How many other bands can I think of that will make me simultaneously puke and want to murder people with baggy pants at the same time?

…One actually and that’s SunnO))) but only if the volume is up high enough. So where was I? Fuck these guys are horrible.

8. The Devil Wears Prada: Have you ever noticed that horrible bands come with horrible names attached? Well this one’s just terribly mediocre, but the fact that they are a Christian band masquerading as a hardcore/metal unit wouldn’t be nearly as offensive if they didn’t pray on stage. Oh and dude your song titles aren’t funny.

7. Godsmack: You knew it was coming didn’t you? I hate this fucking band. I hate the guys who where their t-shirts. And don’t even try to get me started on that song they did for the scorpion king soundtrack (tastefully re-used by Uwe Boll in his adaptation of Alone in the Dark)

… HAH! Sarcasm!

6. 311: Teenage girls still like them… but then again if teenage girls were into Agoraphobic Nosebleed they might be on here too, no, never mind they didn’t write “Amber”. These guys make my fucking skin crawl. I’d rather drink Nilbog milk, turn into a plant, and be eaten by midgets in potato sacks.

Actually that sounds kind of cool.

5. Still Remains: When your keyboard tone is worse than Ronnie James Dio circa 1981 and your not band’s name is not Styx there’s a problem. The fact they have terrible breakdowns on top of which their singer (read session musicians) croons “wait for  love” Makes me want to die. Shoot me in the fucking face. No seriously. As soon as you put this down hunt me down and put me out of misery. I can’t stand this.

4. Hellyeah: I’m not going no to make fun of their name this time. No, wait, what the hell am I talking about, of course I am. Hellyeah? I mean Christ at least change spelling if your going to combine two words for your name. That just reaks of lazyness. The fact that their drummer is related to Dimebag Darrel is absolutely no excuse for retarded lines like “Balls, volume, strength getcha come on”… what?

 Your IQ has to be lower than a ford bronco to appreciate this garbage, but given the 2,746,528 and counting views they’ve accumulated on myspace, the state of world starts to make sense.  I commented on one of their videos and mentioned that they make hick music; an angry fan responded, “I think you mean SICK MUSIC. HELL YEAH!”

I stand by my previous statement.

3. Insane Clown Posse: I’ve been calling out some really shitty nu-metal and metalcore bands, so I thought I’d stop for a bit and harp on some rappers that dress like nu-metal guys. Once again, I’m shooting fish in a barrel, but if these bands weren’t infuriating in every way, they wouldn’t make it onto my list. Terrible and stupid rap over terrible metal influenced beats. And if you, dear reader, happen to be a juggalo or a juggalet (for the uninitiated this is what their fucking fans refer to themselves as you can stab yourselves in your respective genetalia for liking a band that features a rapper who refers to himself as Shaggy 2 Dope

2. And speaking of Dope: Thanks for polluting Guitar Hero III you fucking assholes!

1. Nickleback: I just keep waiting for the bubble to burst so I can laugh at what has-beens these guys have become, but it never happens. Like a giant robot monster with titanium skin and well-groomed hair, they seem to have powers of deflection from any of the salvos that rock n’ roll has unleashed on shitty music. Some day they’ll fall and I can whiz on the corpse of this colossus, but, until then, I can just hope for an overdose, or for one of them to be caught sucking a dick…a dogs dick…No wait…a puppy’s dick, yeah.”

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